Dissentery

A continuing Pained Adolesence

I tended to gloss over the seventh and eighth grade aspects of junior high (about the time you dropped out), because they annoyed me and were a time in my life where I was sort of happy, but nothing very special. In fact, I am much more interested in reminiscing about the plunge into complete despair that was my freshman year. But there are some important developments of my 13 and 14 year old self that are worth mentioning:

1) The development of celebrity crushes.
As I raced through puberty like a cheetah, so to did my libido. Hockaday was single sexed, and church was divided into male/female, so I did not interact with boys from a period of about 12 to 18. As a result, to fill this niche, I developed a series of rabid, fanatical celebrity crushes. I had elaborate fantasies of how we would meet, and usually how he would declare his love in some public place in front of all the girls in my school. I usually cast myself in the role of hidden treasure, an unpolished diamond waiting for a man to realize my full untapped potential. The romance would usually progress something like this:
a) infatuation--seeing a celebrity in a movie or reading a magazine article that created a sense of complete adoration
b) research- every movie, every magazine article was systematically researched and poured over for information that would lead to make the fantasy element more real. When internet became popular, than internet was used to look up and print huge amount of photograghs
c)romantic love-said celebrity becomes my fake boyfriend. I wait for tv interviews, look for even the smallest mention in the tabloids, dream intricate dreams
d) acceptance-flaws are ineveitably pointed out and the passion cools. This is the 'marriage' stage. Begrudging, sweet compansionship
e) overthrow--a new celebrity enters the stage
To the best of my knowledge, my celebrity crushes have been in the following order: David Bowie, Brad Pitt, Keanu Reeves, Billy Corgan, Nicholas Cage, and Russell Crowe. I can still remember some of their birthdays.

2) The grooming of the perfect child
As the eldest I became the protege--I was the prototype, the surrogate son, the vessel for vicarious goals and wishes. As such, there were certain expectations--academics were never high enough, extracurriculars never glamorous enough. I was given Aeschyles, Socrates, James Joyce, Kafka--all at the age of about 13. I was on the debate team, i was pressured into x, y, and z. not to say that i didn't enjoy it, but it was work all the same.

3) The traveling
In order to be a well-groomed child, certain things were expected.Though we were never to be out of financial problems, our standard of living had gone up by the time I was in middle school to allow me to take tennis lessons again, allow me to travel most importantly. When I was 13 I was sent over to Rouen, with only a year of french under my belt, to live with a french family. I spent two weeks with the family, a small amount in retrospect, though at the time it seemed like ages and ages. I was so tramuatized I used to sleep with my mother's copy of "The Woman in White." I then spent another week sightseeing with a mix bag of kids, a few of whom were from my school: Paris, Mont St. Micheal, Tours, what have you. That week was the best week, as I was around people that spoke english. I felt very adult, very cool, very independent, and that was a great feeling. The tour instilled in me a healthy hatred of the french as a people, with a simultaneous love of their culture, a dichotomy I still struggle with. I also went back the next summer to Ireland and Wales, the next year England, and so on and so forth--nealry every year, a few weeks to a few months were spent in Europe, which created yet another border between me and everyone else, as I picked up weird ways of talking and global ways of seeing the world which, at a time when all anyone was talking about was how awesome Texas was, seemed hardly a reciepe for popularity.

4) Renewed interest in the gothic
I started getting crazy into Anne Rice Novels in the 7th grade, after a classmate gave a report on Interview with the Vampire. It was an obsession that didn't bate until I was almost ready to go to college. The homoerotic overtones, the blood, the S&M, the rock star arrogance--it was so exciting, sexy, and romantic. I have no doubt this series had a huge amount of influence while I was at a stage of forming sexual mores.

The one thing all these bits hae in common is a general push towards a much more adult, much more serious personality than I had wanted. I was turning into a little adult, and there was an enormous amount of unspoken pressure to act according to certain expectations. This pressure was naturally of the best intention, which made any rebellion seem selfish and quite embarassing. So I kept trying to be popular, kept kept trying to be a good student and a well spoken, articulate lady. Which made, at least for my parents, freshman year so inexplicable

posted by Mary @ 12:36 PM